#5 Tips for Assertive Parenting: Raising Children Who Know Their Worth
Assertiveness starts at home…
We all want our children to grow up confident. We want them to be able to speak up, stand up for themselves, make good decisions and know when something isn't right. But assertiveness isn't something we can simply tell our children to have.
They learn it by watching us.
Children are constantly watching how the adults around them deal with difficult situations. The learn from us, how we behave not what we tell them to do. Make it a journey that you can travel together.
How do you react when someone is rude to you?
What do you do when somebody disagrees with you?
Can you say no?
Can you apologise?
Can you admit when you've got something wrong?
How do you cope when you're disappointed?
How do you talk about other people?
How do you deal with conflict?
How do you respond when life doesn't go according to plan?
Our children don't just listen to what we tell them.
They watch what we do.
And that's why assertive parenting isn't about producing perfectly confident children who never struggle. It's about helping them develop the skills to deal with life's inevitable struggles. Because unfortunately, we can't protect our children from everything.
They will lose friends.
They will be left out.
Someone will say something unkind.
They won't always get the part, prize, team place, invitation or opportunity they wanted.
Relationships will change.
People will move away.
Family members will get older.
Life will take unexpected turns.
And sometimes things will hurt.
Our job isn't to make sure they never experience those things. Our job is to help them learn how to handle them with strength, kindness and resilience.
Here are five ways we can start.
1. Be the behaviour you want to see
This is probably the biggest one. Don't just teach assertiveness. Demonstrate it.
If we want our children to grow up knowing how to communicate their needs, we need to show them what healthy communication looks like.
If we want them to say no when something makes them uncomfortable, we need to let them see us say no.
If we want them to respect other people's boundaries, we need to respect theirs.
If we want them to apologise when they've done something wrong, we need to apologise when we've got something wrong.
And if we want them to cope with difficult emotions, they need to see that adults have difficult emotions too.
That doesn't mean behaving perfectly in front of them. Quite the opposite. Sometimes it's incredibly useful for a child to see you recognise your own behaviour.
"I was frustrated then and I spoke too sharply. That wasn't fair. I'm sorry."
That's a powerful lesson. You're showing them that making a mistake doesn't make you a bad person.
You can recognise it.
You can take responsibility.
You can repair it.
And you can try again.
Try showing them:
"I don't agree, but I can listen to your point."
"No, I can't do that today."
"I'm feeling frustrated, so I need a few minutes."
"I got that wrong."
"I'm sorry."
"That's not OK with me."
"I need some help with this."
"I'm disappointed, but I'll be OK."
Children don't need perfect parents.
They need real-life examples of healthy behaviour.
2. Teach them the difference between assertive, passive and aggressive
Children can sometimes think there are only two options:
1) Say nothing…
Passive
"It's fine. You can do whatever you want."
Even though inside they're upset.
2) or Go in fighting….
Aggressive
"You're horrible! Give it back!"
Trying to get what they want by shouting, threatening or intimidating someone.
3) But there's another option.
Assertive
"I don't like that. Please give it back."
Calm. Clear. Firm. Respectful.
That doesn't mean the other person will always listen. And this is important.
Being assertive doesn't give you control over other people's behaviour.
It gives you control over how you communicate and respond.
We can teach children simple phrases they can practise:
"Please stop."
"I don't like that."
"That's not OK."
"I want a turn too."
"No, thank you."
"I don't agree."
"Can we talk about it?"
"I need some help."
These might seem like tiny sentences. But they're building blocks for much bigger conversations later in life.
A child who learns that their voice matters is practising a skill they can take into friendships, school, work and relationships.
3. Don't rescue them from every disappointment
This one can be really difficult as a parent. When our child is upset, our natural instinct can be: Fix it.
Someone didn't invite them? We'll find out why.
They didn't get the part? We'll complain.
Their friend has fallen out with them? We'll intervene.
They didn't win? We'll tell them they deserved it.
Someone was unkind? We'll want to make everything better immediately.
Of course there are situations where adults should intervene — particularly where there is bullying, abuse, discrimination, danger or a child is unable to resolve something safely themselves. But not every difficult experience needs an adult to remove the problem.
Sometimes children need to experience disappointment while knowing:
"I'm here. You can handle this. We'll work it out together."
There is a difference between: rescuing and supporting.
Instead of immediately solving the problem, try asking:
"What happened?"
"How did that make you feel?"
"What do you think you could do?"
"Would you like some ideas?"
"Do you want me to help, or would you like to try it yourself first?"
You're still there. You're not leaving them to struggle alone. You're helping them develop their own problem-solving muscles. Because life will contain disappointment. They won't always get the job. They won't always be invited. They won't always win. They won't always be someone's best friend. Learning that disappointment is survivable is an important part of resilience. You are their supporter, their guide, their mentor.
You’re job as a parent is to teach them how to handle life assertively and resiliently, all by themselves.
4. Teach them that friendships can change
This is one of the hardest lessons for children — and adults. When you're young, a friendship can feel like everything. So when a friend suddenly doesn't want to play anymore, chooses somebody else, moves school or simply grows in a different direction, it can feel devastating.
And sometimes we want to tell children: "Don't worry, you'll find another friend."
But when you're hurting, that doesn't necessarily help. Sometimes the right response is simply: "I know. That really hurts."
Then, when they're ready, help them understand something important:
People can be important to us without staying in our lives forever.
Friendships change.
People change.
Interests change.
Schools change.
Families change.
People move.
Sometimes people fall out and make up.
Sometimes they don't.
Sometimes someone we love dies.
Sometimes a friendship simply fades.
None of those things mean the relationship wasn't real or meaningful. We can teach children that losing a relationship doesn't mean they have lost their worth.
They can miss someone.
They can be sad.
They can be angry.
They can still remember the good times.
And eventually, they can move forward.
That's not forgetting somebody. That's learning that life changes — and that we can change with it.
5. Teach them to stand up for themselves — and for others
Assertiveness isn't just about protecting yourself. It's also about learning to recognise when something isn't right. Children need to know the difference between:
telling tales and asking for help when something genuinely isn't OK.
If another child is being repeatedly bullied, threatened or deliberately excluded, "just ignore them" isn't necessarily useful advice.
Children need to know that they can tell a trusted adult.
They can walk away and not join in.
That they can call out unfair behaviour.
They can stay with people who make them feel safe.
They can support somebody else.
And they don't have to prove they're brave by putting themselves in danger.
We can teach them phrases such as:
"That's not funny."
"Leave them alone."
"I don't want to be part of this."
"I'm going to get an adult."
"Are you OK?"
Sometimes being assertive means speaking.
Sometimes it means walking away.
Sometimes it means getting help.
Knowing which one to choose is part of growing up.
The goal isn't a child who never struggles
I think this is one of the biggest misconceptions about confidence and resilience. We can become so focused on protecting children from difficult experiences that we forget something important:
Difficult experiences are part of being human.
Our children will experience rejection.
They'll experience embarrassment.
They'll have arguments.
They'll lose friends.
They'll make mistakes.
They'll fail at things.
They'll be disappointed.
They'll sometimes feel lonely.
They'll have moments where they don't know what to do.
And that's OK. Our job isn't to remove every difficult emotion. It's to give them somewhere safe to bring those emotions. Then help them learn what to do with them.
Give them a safe place to practise
Home can be a child's first training ground for assertiveness.
Let them have opinions.
Let them disagree respectfully.
Let them make age-appropriate choices.
Let them say no to things that genuinely don't feel comfortable.
Let them ask questions.
Let them challenge you.
Let them make mistakes without feeling that one mistake defines them.
That doesn't mean children run the household. Boundaries work both ways.
You can say: "I hear that you don't want to do it, but it's something we need to do."
They can be unhappy about your decision. You can remain calm. They can learn that disagreement doesn't automatically mean rejection. That's a huge lesson. Because as adults, we will sometimes say no to people. People will sometimes say no to us. Someone may disagree with us. Someone may not like our decision. Someone may be disappointed by us. And everybody can survive that.
I have found that role playing is a great teacher. Let them play the challenger… the bully, the mean person or simply a challenging peer. Then run through conversations, with you playing them and show them how you’d reply, so they have real world answers and attitudes they they can see by example.
Raising the next generation of emotionally resilient adults
Perhaps the greatest gift we can give our children isn't constant confidence.
It's self-trust. The ability to think:
"I can work this out."
"I can ask for help."
"I can say no."
"I can make a mistake and recover."
"I can be disappointed without falling apart."
"Someone not liking me doesn't mean there's something wrong with me."
"I don't have to treat people badly just because they've treated me badly."
"I can leave situations that aren't healthy for me."
"I can cope when things change."
And perhaps:
"I am allowed to be myself."
That's what we're really teaching when we teach assertiveness. We're not teaching children to be loud. We're not teaching them to always get their own way. We're not teaching them to fight every battle. We're teaching them to understand themselves, communicate clearly, respect others, recognise their boundaries and know when to ask for help. And we're showing them that life won't always go according to plan.
Sometimes things will be brilliant.
Sometimes they'll be rubbish.
Sometimes they'll hurt.
Sometimes they'll change.
But through all of that, they can learn: "I can handle this."
And when they grow up, perhaps they'll carry that little voice with them.
Not the voice that says: "Don't upset anyone."
Not the voice that says: "You have to be perfect."
Not the voice that says: "Just put up with it."
But the voice that says:
"Pause. Think. Speak up. Ask for help. Protect your boundaries. And remember who you are."
That's the kind of confidence worth passing on.